Someone's Got To Be The Grown Up!

As a pastor, often my lot in life seems to be to settle disputes between husband and wife, parent and child, and between church members.  This blog is going to focus on a few observations I have made while performing the unpleasant task of confronting and restoring feuding people.  I believe that God the Holy Spirit may use this simple post in your life.  If you are involved in a personal conflict right now, I have the solution for you - one of you has to be the grown up and choose to forgive and quit fighting back.

We believers often rationalize our childish brawling by telling ourselves that we have been grievously offended and our hateful behavior toward the offending party is only reasonable.  If the other person really wants me to stop treating them badly, then they should change their behavior!  This kind of thinking is diametrically opposed to scriptures.  The Bible tells us that this kind of infighting and selfishness stunts our Christian growth.  In fact, if we behave like that, we will not be able to understand some preaching because we no longer have the spiritual discernment to grasp it.


1 Corinthians 3:1–4 (AV)

¹ And I, brethren, could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even as unto babes in Christ. ² I have fed you with milk, and not with meat: for hitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet now are ye able. ³ For ye are yet carnal: for whereas there is among you envying, and strife, and divisions, are ye not carnal, and walk as men? ⁴ For while one saith, I am of Paul; and another, I am of Apollos; are ye not carnal?

So what is the solution?  There are some people that seem to be itching for a fight.  Any word or gesture you make will be misunderstood and turned into an occasion for yet another conflict.  We rise to the occasion retorting with the same vitriol that is flung in our direction and the fur hits the fan once again.  How can we stop this vicious cycle?  Someone has to be the grown up.  Someone has to choose to remain silent and not engage.  Someone has to choose the selfless path of peace.  Here are a few practical things to help you be the grown up the next time you find yourself in a cycle of conflict.

1.  Choose the soft answer.

Proverbs 15:1 (AV)

¹ A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

The next time your spouse yells at you, make the right choice. As soon as someone starts to raise their voice, our flesh wants to match and exceed their negative tone.  There is only one thing that will do, it will stir up anger.  We often answer with harsh words and then get bitter at the other person for getting angry!  That is so unjust!  God has promised us that if we return grievous words, anger will be stirred.  If you want to find peace, you have to choose to be the grown up and choose a soft answer,

2.  Choose to seek the good of others first, rather than self appeasement.

 
Philippians 2:3–4 (AV)

³ Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. ⁴ Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Another reason peace seems to be so illusive is that we must get our own way.  It seems so loathsome to us to allow the other person have his or her way, we are willing to sacrifice a peaceful home.  Often the thing we fight over really does not matter.  Sure, it would be good if they would yield to your wishes sometime, but someone has to be the grown up.  Get out of the way and esteem the other better than yourself.  Believe that God will plead your case at some point.

3.  Choose the path of peace  and forgiveness rather than revenge. 


Romans 12:18–21 (AV)

¹⁸ If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. ¹⁹ Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. ²⁰ Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. ²¹ Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

Here is where the rubber meets the road.  When we are hurt, our flesh wants to hurt the offender back.  This is not our job!  If the offender needs to be hurt, God can take care of that.  We need to aggressively do good to those that do us wrong.  If you do that, more often than not, peace will ensue.  Why should I do good to my enemy?  Because God loves a peacemaker and someone has to be the grown up!