Two Ways to Learn

Since I was ordained in 1992, I think I have talked to hundreds of parents about their wayward children.  Often good Christian folks are perplexed by the behavior of their children.  They tell me, sometimes through tears that they have taught them right from wrong, they have brought them to church, they made sure they heard good solid preaching.  Surely they knew better than to behave the way that they did.  What could have been done differently?

Perhaps you too read this blog and are struggling with behavior in your home that you are sure you have not taught to your children.  When trying to understand what might be done differently, we must understand that there are two ways that we learn.  There are two ways God motivates a change in our behavior.  Often we focus on one way, ignoring the other.  It is this omission that causes a lot of behavior problems within the home.

The first way that people are motivated to change behavior is to Learn and Live.  This is how we imagine our children will always learn.  We impart great volumes of time tested wisdom both from our personal experience and from the Word of God, and they wisely adjust their course to match the advice they just heard.  Let's face it.  When kids do that we are all better off.  When we hear truth from the Bible, or from the Pulpit and we simply comply, life is pretty good.  It is wise to learn and live.


Proverbs 4:1–4 (AV)

¹ Hear, ye children, the instruction of a father, and attend to know understanding. ² For I give you good doctrine, forsake ye not my law. ³ For I was my father’s son, tender and only beloved in the sight of my mother. ⁴ He taught me also, and said unto me, Let thine heart retain my words: keep my commandments, and live.

The other way to learn we may call the school of hard knocks or Live and Learn.  You see, God has given us another motivation to change our behavior.  Just because we are told a particular choice is a wise one or even a mandatory one, that does not guarantee that we will be motivated to make the right choice.  So God gives us another motivation, CONSEQUENCES!  Notice an often quoted but often misunderstood verse:

Proverbs 22:6 (AV)

⁶ Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Notice that the word here is TRAIN, not teach.  You train a dog by a series of positive and negative reinforcements.  Even a dumb dog can learn from the consequences of his actions.  I can't tell you how often I hear moms whining and moaning to their children begging them to listen, begging them to behave.  They wonder why the behavior is bad when the teaching has been good.  Often even this verse is cited as proof that the parents are doing all that is needed.  Friends, this verse does not tell us to teach, it tells us to train them!  God tells us that He uses consequences to train us.  He uses the principle of sowing and reaping to teach us to modify our behavior.

Galatians 6:7–9 (AV)

⁷ Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. ⁸ For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. ⁹ And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

Now let us get very practical.  First of all for the child to modify his behavior, he must know the rules.  An emotional rant consisting of the words that he should know better does not effectively train the child.  The boundaries of good and bad behavior must be clearly given.  Reward for good behavior should be directly tied to that specific deed.  Consequences for bad behavior should also be tied directly to that deed.  Consequences must not vary based upon your mood, or based upon what happened at work that day.  You are not using the consequences to effectively train your children if they are tied to anything other than the behavior in question.

One suggestion for early adolescent children is a chart of behavior and consequences.  Follow it without emotion.  Sure, give your child the freedom to do what he or she chooses to do, but let them understand that every choice comes with an absolutely unavoidable consequence.  Stop the yelling, squalling ranting and crying!  Do not try to make your child feel bad for what they put you though.  Train them, do not manipulate their emotions.  Let the consequences to their job if they choose to ignore the first way to modify their behavior,  If they choose not to Learn and Live, then you must give them the opportunity to Live and Learn.